Boy howdy!
And welcome to this week’s thrill-packed episode of rambling nonsense.
Friday night’s expedition to the Old Mail House was successful, from my point of view at least, in that I managed to pull off a triumph of rock’n’roll blokiness, by diverting course on the way to the gig to buy an angle grinder.
Impressed, eh?
That’s nearly as blokily impressive as a man with two sheds, wouldn’t you say?
(I don’t actually have two sheds. I’m not weird, or anything).
Well, that’s it, folks. Summer’s end. It’s raining again. Ah well, it was fun while it lasted. At least the giggage continues apace.
Friday at the Swan, and the turnout was a bit on the light side – apparently the good citizens of Thornbury have taken to staying home of a Friday night in recent months – and this one was not very different. In fact, as there were not too many in, and they were quite shy, Emma had to encourage them at the end of each song to applaud.
In fact, for one number – which tails off gracefully with eight bars of acapella vocals, and thus doesn’t have a definite “Clang” ending – in a moment of genius, to avoid any confusion for the punters, at the moment the last note fades away, Emma helpfully announces,“THE END”; which had the rest of us creased up in hysterics. Oh, how we love that woman.
Top o’ the mornin’ to ye!
Just in case it’s St Paddy’s day at some point this week, I really don’t pay attention to these things. Or to anything much, come to think of it.
I believe that this is a sound approach to maintaining a positive attitude when under adverse conditions – if you pay very little attention to what’s going on around you, then things don’t really bother you so much. There is, in fact a medical term for it…. ah, yes.
Dementia.
Anyways – concerned citizens amongst will doubtless be relieved to hear that my horribly buggered ankle, as reported here last week, is slowly on the mend.
Wotcha!
…as nobody has said to me since about 1979 – surely about time for a comeback, dontcha think?
Anyhoo, last week we did promise to try and have twice as much fun as usual at Friday’s gig at the Swan – and indeed we did.
We weren’t expecting too many people in to be honest, given the somewhat snowy conditions – but the locals had obviously mustered their huskies, donned their snowshoes, and set out into the freezing night just to – well, just to drink too much and dance around like fools, really. All they needed was a loud and tolerably rhythmic noise to do it to. And that’s where we came in…
Hola homeys!
It’s always nice to see old friends, particularly when they bring you an ultra-cool pressie :-).
Saturday’s jaunt to the Albion House Club in Cheltenham was graced by the presence of my dear and long-standing friend Disco Dave, whom we haven’t seen for a couple of years on account of him working on the wrong side of the world.
And a very pleasant evening we all had, despite a somewhat worrying start…
Our lovely Em was arriving separately to the rest of us, and a little later, and so we duly rolled up, set up the kit, and waited. Start time came and went, and there is still no sign of our sparkly chanteuse. A quick call reveals that although she is quite close, but “the police have shut the road off” – and this being Cheltenham, and a one-way labyrinth at the best of times, it’s not easy to find another way in.
Well, after lord-knows-how-many weeks without us playing, we were all rather relieved at the Blue Lagoon on Friday to find that we can still do this stuff.
Mostly. I think every one of us had a minor memory blackout at some point or another, but happily these didn’t coincide, so every song we played was basically not guilty, based on a majority verdict.
Perhaps this is why they have so many people in the orchestra for classical music – it is, after all, quite complicated, so if they have a lot of people then it doesn’t matter so much if one of them screws up.
Yes, that must be it. Also, as somebody pointed out to me, the other reason they have (say) 25 cellos playing the same thing is to make it louder.
Somebody really should go up to the Royal College of Music, and suggest they google the word “amplifier”. It’ll save them a fortune. I mean, after all, if I didn’t use an amp, then to be heard at a gig, we’d need probably at least three hundred of me.
Imagine that….
…Saturday night, and a birthday party agency gig for the lovely Louise, who turned out to be absolutely delightful, as were her many guests (and the caterers).
We were particularly taken with one of the guests, Jean, who was from “Upstate Noo Yawk”, looked exactly like Grandma out of Thunderbirds and was decidedly mischievous.
“I used to live with a rock musician, years ago”, she tells me during the break, “I gotta say, that was some nice playing”.
“Why, thank you”, I say.
“Yup, not bad considering you ain’t no spring chicken… …Just kidding, I guess you’re not even sixty yet…”
Ben has difficulty breathing for a while after hearing this. I can’t think of a suitable reply, so settle instead for getting Jean a beer on the band’s tab.
After we’ve finished, we are slumped down to get our breath back, and Jean pounces on me from behind and grabs me in a vertebrae-crushing headlock.
“God, I love you, you fuckin’ hunk”, she informs me, as I struggle for air.
Ben appears to be suffering a reprise of his earlier breathing difficulties.
Anyway – a jolly fine night – and, coincidentally, it was also our very own Stuart’s birthday. As a special treat, we bought him a new drumkit….
Which turned out to be just the right size for our rubber chicken to play…
Anyways – next weekend, just the one gig; we’re over in deepest darkest Wales, for a birthday party in a hotel somewhere up in the valleys.
Square on
A
Since we’ve not played a gig for two weeks, we have nothing really to report on. I mean, we could provide you with a run-down of our various domestic lives over the past fortnight, but that would be getting dangerously close to being like The Archers – albeit an everyday tale of rawk’n’roll folk…
Although – actually, speaking of archers has reminded me that Emma still needs to make arrangements with my beloved Dem, they were planning to go and spend an afternoon doing archery together. What could possibly go wrong?
Don’t worry, I’ll let you all know once they’ve agreed on a date, so we can get everybody else out of the county, just to be on the safe side.
Also fraught with risk- although arguably less life-threatening – is announcing our next gig, because after two weeks off, there is a very real chance that we won’t actually remember what we’re doing. At least a quarter of us, anyway – last time we took a break, I couldn’t even remember how to plug everything in, let alone how to play it.
Oh well – what’s the worst that could happen…?
Saturday 17th – The Swan, Thornbury
It’s only up the road from me, so I rather like this one. Not sure why that would make a difference – after all, the kit is all still just as heavy. Maybe I just rather like this one, then; possibly because you never quite know what’s going to happen…
That’s it for now – hopefully next week we’ll have a little more to tell you….
Square on
A
After a week away, variously climbing up Snowdon, watching dolphins frolicking off the coast of Kent, drinking excellent beer in my favourite Brighton pub – which I found completely unchanged after 30 years away – hurrah! – and doing whatever it is that Ben and Stuart get up to when left to their own devices, it was time to get back together to make a loud noise again up at the dear ol’ Swan in Thornbury.
Having literally just got home after a seven hour drive with a spakky shoulder, swapping vehicles and come straight to the gig, yours truly had his excuses neatly lined up for playing like a retarded chimp in boxing gloves. So that’s pretty much what I did.
I’m not sure what excuses the others had, but actually we seemed to get away with it – helped no doubt by a quick restoarative dose of free beer, we managed to get to the end of the night without too many musical trainwrecks. Although, to be fair, one was probably enough.
Saturday night, and a nice easy gig at the Dolphin in Oldland Common; we were able to revel in our musical loveliness, and I rather enjoyed being awake this time.
Coming up this week – three gigs in a row, haven’t had this much fun for quite a while…
Thursday 6th – Royal Oak, Chipping Sodbury
We believe this one to be an 8:30 start, and although it’s a bit cosy, once we’ve actually shoehorned all the kit in, it’s jolly good fun in here – the only catch being we all have to get up stupidly early the next morning for work. I bet Jimmy Page doesn’t have this trouble.
Friday 7th – Queen’s Tap, Swindon
Lively pub just opposite the station in sunny Pighill, they likes their rock in here. Which is just as well, ‘cos that’s what they’re going to be getting. 🙂
Saturday 8th – Queen Vic, Stroud
Brilliant fun in here, we may even be bringing a small entourage with us just to liven things up even further. Also a good chance to catch up with the lovely Clothears Massive, so I’m looking forward to this one even more than usual.
Er – that’s it, having been off duty for a week I can’t think of any jokes this time.
Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.
Square on
A
Well, it’s been a – shall we say – “difficult” week in rock…
Our poor Em’s spakky knee is starting to get better, but slowly, so the poor darling is still having to resort to using what we know call The Apparatus to hold her leg together during gigs; Ben managed to cut his thumb in half, whilst engaging in the unfamiliar practice of cleaning his flat – but I trumped them both; whilst I was innocently waiting at a red traffic light, some <> drove into the back of the van, and then drove off before I could get his number. <>
Apart from a bit of whiplash stiff neck-type stuff, I’m okay, but my poor little van will have to be written off – it’s exactly two inches shorter than it used to be. I know this, ‘cause there used to be two inches to spare when it was fully loaded with all the kit – and now there isn’t. My local garage managed to hammer it out enough to be able to open the rear doors so I can still use it for now, but it’s not going to last; and it’s now impossible to drop the spare wheel out, ‘cause there’s some chassis in the way where there didn’t used to be…
Still, after a fractious week arguing with insurance companies and modifying bits of van so I could actually lock the doors once they were open, we were able to fulfil our gigging destiny.
The birthday party gig on Saturday went rather well; although the nice big stage to prance about on was rather wasted as Em was not really prancing fit, and I was somewhat restricted by having to try and play the entire set without moving my right shoulder… nonetheless, they all seemed to enjoy it, and Em did a magnificent job of diplomatically shepherding a teetering drunk lady off the stage, back to the safety of the floor, without damage. We’re going to get her a hi-vis to wear for such occasions in future.
Sunday afternoon at the Sandringham was rather quieter, shoehorned as we were between the Sunday lunch crowd and the mid-evening pub quiz; one of those gigs where it’s best to adopt a philosophical attitude, and think of it as being paid to practice.
Right then, we’re off on various holidays for a bit, so you’ll just have to do without any rawk’n’roll malarkey for a while. As I’m not here, you won’t be getting one of these missives next week, so I’ll tell you know about what’s coming up in a fortnight’s time…
Friday 31st August – The Swan, Thornbury
This is actually the very day I come back from my hols, so I’ll probably be arriving breathless and slightly late, with sand between my toes, and no idea how to play the guitar. So – apart from the sand, business as usual, then!
Saturday 1st September – Dolphin, Oldland Common
It’s been ages since we played here, so much so that I can’t really remember anything about it. Like so much of my life.
Right, that’s your lot for now, I’m off to pack my bucket and spade.
In the meantime, if anybody does want to buy a recently customised, particularly short-wheelbase Renault Kangoo, do get in touch, won’t you….
Square on
A
Well, whaddaya know? A whole weekend with no gigs, and yet I somehow didn’t manage to find time to sit down and write to you all.
It really is very remiss of me, and I can only apologise – while recognising that many of you may in fact be rather grateful.
Anyway – not having gotten around to penning any witticisms for your amusement and probable consternation, I shall just deliver the following brief announcement: –
Thursday 17th – Royal Oak, Chipping Sodbury
A nice little outing for a Thursday, we played here a few months ago and despite Emma being in a somewhat ragged state of health, it all went down rather well. This time it should be even more fun. Not having gigged for a week definitely adds to the excitement; I particularly enjoy that little frisson you get when you can’t quite remember how the next bit goes, and have to hope that you guess correctly when the chorus comes around…
Saturday 19th – Queen Vic, Stroud
Still one of our favourite places to play, and very much looking forward to it. Lots of space to jump around in – there’s even some room for us – teetering as we are on the edge of the stage, a precipice fully three inches high…
Square on
A
P.S. [Editor’s note] This is the most nauseating picture of cute fluffy kittens I could find albeit a subject that can be debated. You can always rely on fluffy kittens to get attention.
