Tag Archives: birthday

27-03-2017 – Lime Jelly Fantasy

Welcome back, my children of the night…

Just as you thought it was safe to peer into your Inbox again, here we are, back with more tales from the Dark Side…

…Well, actually, we thought we’d cheer you up today, with happy tales of the outside world, and that magical land where fabulous creatures still hold dominion over the drab mundane everyday; where fauns and satyrs still frolic in the leafy vales, and warm limpid pools of lime jelly are positively teeming with carousing young scantily-clad cheerleaders [Editor’s note: Hang on, before you go off on one your sordid little flights of fancy, let’s at least have a little narrative consistency – if they’re so scantily clad, how do you know they’re cheerleaders, eh?], with warm sun beating languidly down on their cheerleader’s uniforms piled neatly on the bank [Hmph!] and the moist jelly glistening on their firm lithe limbs [Right, stop it, that’s enough – you’re banned! I hereby revoke your artistic licence; and since you already had ten points on it (writing without due care and attention, splitting an infinitive without indicating, and failing to stop when required to do so by a member of Her Majesty’s Grammar Constabulary) – that’s an automatic six-month ban plus a two hundred quid fine]. READ MORE

06-03-2017 – Strappy Man

Hola, homeys and honeys!

Another weekend of pub rawk jollity; starting with a rather lively night at the Trout in Keynsham; somewhat enlivened by the presence of my old boss, King Howard, and his retinue of alcohol-fuelled relatives. I am introduced to his brother-in-law with the words, “This is Martin, I apologise in advance”. Apparently Martin, when he has been over zealously applying alcoholic beverages to his metabolism, can sometimes become rather demonstratively affectionate, “in a homoerotic way”. My look of puzzlement prompts further clarification. “Last week, he tried to bum me”, explains Howard. We leave Martin to talk to Stuart, who we figure will be glad of the attention, should the need arise. READ MORE

27-02-2017 – Mission Failure

Yo homeys!

Well,Friday’s gig was a bit quiet. Extremely quiet.

This was at least in part due to the fact that my arrival at the venue, and starting of unloading of the kit, was met with a slightly concerned look from the barmaid who said to me. “Hang on a second, love, I’ll just get the landlady a moment…”

It transpires that there has been something of booking agent-related cock-up, and that in fact the pub has no idea we were supposed to be coming. “But didn’t you get the posters I sent a few weeks ago?” I ask. READ MORE

20-02-2017 – Almost the Partridge Family

Blessings be upon you, my children.

More rock’n’roll high jinks this week; just the one gig, playing at my brother Mike’s rather fine birthday bash. Naturally, I took along my entire tribe, plus my far-too-rarely-seen sister; and since we had the all the constituents there of what is quite literally my house band, it seemed a shame not to use them.

I rolled up with youngest offspring Jimi to the hall, to find that it was rather more of a cathedral than we had expected. Nice and big, with solid walls, hard floor, and an enormously high vaulted ceiling. To test the natural reverb of the room, I stood in the centre and clapped my hands loudly. As I type this 2 days later, the reverberations are just beginning to die down now. READ MORE

13-02-2017 – Space News Contention

Aye oop!

Well, another event-packed week in rock; as I’m a bit pushed for time today, we’ll just give you the news headlines – carefully avoiding any mentions of the current headline staple fare of Tr*mp and Br*xit – not to try and avoid being contentious, because we are pretty sure that anybody with views significantly different to ours on these matters will have got stuck at the word “contentious” – but because actually we have very little interest in the Scunthorpe-based Olympic ice skating hopefuls Ethel Tramp and Neville Broxit. READ MORE

01-02-2017 – Gig Retraction Kitten Blues

It’s us again…

Just a quick Stop Press Announcement – it seems we won’t be playing in Paulton on Friday after all. It was a last-minute booking that came up, as the pub needed a band… and it was only after moving another pile of paperwork that they found the posters they’d been sent by the band they had in fact previously booked and completely forgotten about…

Well, it made me feel tolerably competent for a bit, anyway.

So, to cheer you up – here’s a nice picture of a kitten, instead. READ MORE

30-01-2017 – Goodbye, Hello

Hey gang!

Well, that was a sad occasion – Rosa played her last ever gig with us on Friday, over in Bath at the friendly little New Crown Inn. We’re truly sorry to see her go, she’s been an absolute little bundle of fun, a superb musician and brilliant performer, and I think it’s fair to say that we all came to absolutely adore her. In fact, several members of my family petitioned me to allow us to adopt her. Her canny response to immediately enquire about the terms and conditions relating to pocket money… READ MORE

23-01-2017 – The Dog, Drum and Monkey of it

Ahoy there shipmates!

Another jolly weekend in rock; Friday at the Cat & Wheel was notable for the sheer quantity of spilt beer and broken glass all over the floor afterwards; a very lively night, but fortunately nobody aimed their boobies at Stuart this time. After we passed out the “fellatable guitars” into the crowd, only one came back safely afterwards, but was so covered in beer and grime that I binned it; after all, nobody’s going to want to wrap their lips around that, I figured. READ MORE

16-01-2017 – Angel UpDate – Thanks for the Mammory

Yo homeys

Well, the Blue Lagoon certainly didn’t disappoint on the drunken audience front; helped immeasurably by a coterie of ladies there for a 49th birthday bash; the birthday girl herself making quite a pastime of manipulating her chest at band members; she started with me, but since I simply beamed back at her, have her a thumbs-up and said “Thank you very much”, she shifted her mammary manoeuvring in Stuart’s direction – since he was careless enough to look slightly shocked, he thus became the focus of her bosomy wibbling for the rest of the evening. READ MORE

09-01-2017 – Smokin’ Dwarves

Hey gang

Right, well that’s our 2017 World Tour off to a good start, then.

Saturday night at the Rolleston Arms in Swindon – not a huge crowd, but since the rest of town was apparently completely dead, we didn’t do too badly.

And everyone there seemed to have a good time, so that was all right, then. We even had a night of special effects, courtesy of a very nice chap who was sat peacefully drinking and vaping away, producing clouds of sweet-smelling vapour – which prompted the easily-confused Stuart to ask me if I’d brought a new smoke machine. I hadn’t, but I think we’re going to have to get one now. READ MORE