Tag Archives: keynsham

09-02-2016 – Of Cupcakes And Nipples

Hey peeps!

Well, if you weren’t there on Saturday, you missed a mighty fine night up at the Queen Vic in Stroud – despite the foul weather, there was plenty of fun to be had, with lots of silliness and dancing around. We were especially pleased to see some ol’ chums show up, and I was quite touched by how many were concerned for my health, after having read last week’s little missive.

I think the highlight of the evening for me was when Rosa, by way of announcing our next song (which is a moderately dreadful number originally by Katy Perry, but which Ben and I have done our best to turn into a grunge metal slag heap), asks the audience to see if they can guess, “Who has previously performed with cupcakes on their nipples?” READ MORE

30-11-2015 – The Curse Of The Whammy Bar

My, that was a busy weekend!

Friday night, and it’s off to the rather lovely Barrington Arms near Swindon with daughter Lil for an acoustic evening; a fine plan, spoiled only by the cheery signs, twinkling in the rainswept night, announcing that the M4 is shut from the next junction but one onwards. As the noted wit Oscar Wilde would have remarked, “Oh, bugger!”

So it’s off at the next exit for a frantic explore of the B roads of Wiltshire, and we finally slither to a halt outside the pub a mere hour late. Fortunately Tracy, the nice lady in charge, is very understanding, and we still manage to fit in a full two sets before finishing time. She apologises that the pub’s not too full, but blames Black Friday, the weather, the roads, and, curiously, the government. Apparently, though, they normally have more people in the place, and they usually like something a bit noisier than what we’ve just played. Lil immediately informs her that we can easily do MUCH noisier, we just bring her brothers along – this suggestion is met with approval, and so the stage is set for a full-on Polar Bear Cheesy Pirate experience in the New Year. ? READ MORE

23-11-2015 – Polar Bears, Fights and Glowing Guitars

Hey folks

Helldammit, that was a fun weekend all round!

Friday night, and time for Lily’s gig up at the ol’ Clothears in Stroud; having forewarned the pub that in addition the usual acoustic-y stuff, we were bringing along the full strength of the tribe – the mighty Polar Bear Cheese Pirates From Outer Space – we arrived early and after almost an hour of careful planning, carrying, arranging, rearranging, and tripping over each other, we’d managed to get the entire band’s kit set up in the very snug space available. And a jolly night we had of it; although after over an hour of drumming way after his bedtime, poor Jimi had to curl up in a corner to snooze while we packed the rest of the kit up afterwards. Usually it’s Lily that does that. READ MORE

16-11-2015 – Tortured and Tigger

Hey guys

Well another weekend, and I’m still not dead. Came pretty close, though…

After starting to feel fairly rough at the end of last week, I awoke on Saturday morning to find that during the night, somebody had removed both my lungs, and replaced them with a pair of black bin bags, which had been filled with raw sewage and cement dust and left out in the rain for a week. Not content with this, they had also set fire to my throat lining, put it out with a cricket bat, and tried to hide any evidence by removing the surface layers with a cheese grater. In addition, each of my eyeballs had been temporarily removed with a chisel and, after being used for a vigorous game of ping-pong, were soaked in vinegar before replacing them back in their sockets, using a hammer. READ MORE

09-11-2015 – Rock n’ Roll Chocolate

Ah, there you, 007. Take a seat, and listen carefully…

Another slightly mad weekend, starting in the Trout up in sunny Keynsham; after a fairly quiet start, by the end of the first set, the place was livening up nicely; a shame, then, that I somehow completely forgot how to play the intro to the last song of the first set.

“Oh, f**k”, I tell Ben, “It’s gone. I have no idea how it goes. Complete blank. Can’t even guess”

“Just make something up, then” he sagely advises.

So I do; and we get clean away with it. This rock’n’roll stuff turns out to be rather easy, as long as you don’t worry about getting it right. READ MORE

02-11-2015 – Old Creepyhood Capers

Well hello there…

And, after a whole week away (for me at least spent in sunny Franceland, many miles away from the nearest guitar), Saturday night at the Old Neighbourhood near Stroud was always going to be an interesting evening… Would I remember the songs? Could I actually manage to play them? Had I ever been able to? And what were they anyway?

Such minor concerns were swept away by the more important questions of what to dress up as. Despite being in possession of a large case of assorted Halloween costumes, wigs, and masks, I remembered from previous years that actually while wearing them you can’t see, you can’t breathe, and, most importantly, you can’t drink. Accordingly it was off to the local cheap’n’nasty shop, to invest a whole pound in some kiddy face paints. Then it’s just a case of bribing daughter to creatively apply them to create a suitably undead appearance, and then dig out some torn-up clothes to complete the zombie effect. This last bit is easy; I go the bottom of the drawer for my old biking cut off, which even after all these years still carries the faint aroma of “beer, engine oil, and every conceivable body fluid”. READ MORE

11-05-2015 – Guitar Madness 2 With Added Politics

Yoho Ahoy!

[editor’s note: this one really started last week, see Guitar Madness]

All right, I’ll say this only once.

Which one of you lot thought it would be funny to vote the greedy thieving fascists back in for another five years, then?

Well, we know for a fact it wasn’t anyone from down in sophisticated Westbury; that’s because, based on the straw poll of drunk women who came marching up to Ben and I on Saturday night at our Charlie’s Bar gig, to loudly announce, unasked, who they voted for, it seems everyone there voted for UKIP. READ MORE

05-05-2015 – Guitar Madness

May the Fourth Be With You.

No, no, I’m not a day late, I’m just really early for next year, okay?

Right, well we hope you enjoyed your sunny Blank Holiday weekend; mine was quite chilled, actually, thanks for asking – with Dem away down at Land’s End with the two most maniacal offspring, I managed to get a cheeky half hour in the guitar shop playing away on the lovely items hanging on their wall…

Unfortunately the upshot of all this is that I now need another guitar… If anybody has any suggestions as to how I can justify this to the Internal Finance Committee, I’d be glad of some assistance. READ MORE

27-04-2015 – Awwwww, bless!

Beneficent salutations faithful readers.

Well, it looks like my predictions from last week’s were fairly accurate; with daughter Lil at the Mail Coach on Saturday, things did indeed get quite lively towards the Tina Turner end of the set; by the end of the night, several of the lovely locals were queueing up to buy us drinks, and to tell Lily she was “fabulous”. I reckon next time we’ll just let Lil wheel out a shedload of her musical theatre tosh, and they’ll be sobbing in the aisles.

I will be, for one… READ MORE